On This Day…

I have a love/ hate relationship with the Facebook “Time Hop”/ “On This Day” feature. I have been reminded of dead pets and of ex- boyfriends but lately it has brought up a lot of other feelings and memories I had honestly forgotten about.

About two weeks ago, my anxiety started creeping back into my life… it feels like a dark fog slowly moving though my mind and heart. I have been hesitant to share about my battle with anxiety because it doesn’t make me look cute. Back in the beginning of 2013, I started to blog about my challenge with losing weight, getting off antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication, and the painful changes. My mom said I shouldn’t share that kind of information. I listened to her and felt embarrassed that I opened myself up in that way.

Since my journey to a medication free strategy to handle my anxiety began, I faced a multitude of challenges and a multitude of growth. I was doing it! I was living a life where I was doing life well! I was working towards my dreams and not getting caught up in the things that didn’t matter!

Lately, I started feeling that insecurity, that feeling of a clinched fist inside my chest. I hate it. I have been trying to overcome! With wings! After Skull Fest ended, my man took me to Bantam for wings and mules to relax. I had a blast being surrounded by comedy, but I was ready to unwind.

I was pleasantly surprised by the presentation: sauce. on. the side.what!?!?!IMG_6311  The wings were dry rubbed

and quite tasty even without one of the three sauces to choose from: traditional hot sauce, a tangy BBQ sauce, and ranch. Each sauce was delightful. I have to put moments like this in place so that I can be present.

I was happy to have a moment like this, even in the midst of an anxiety induced time in my life.

Even though I am not happy with how I am right now, I am thankful for the progress I have made. I opened up Facebook’s “On This Day” and what popped up was a reminder of a time, much like now, where creative energy felt like it was pouring out of me but I felt that tightness in my chest and desire to pull a Kate Chopin, “Awakening” style escape. This watercolor I did in high school AP art came up. I forgot about this piece.

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I instantly reconnected with this poorly painted depiction of the pain I was feeling. I wanted to float away but my shoelaces kept me tied down. It was weird seeing it after so many years. Most of the art I made in AP 2D Design was trashed, so it truly was out of sight, out of mind.

It makes me sad to think about the 17/18 year old who painted this but it makes me so hopeful. It makes me glad that while my anxiety has come back, I have grown since this and I am going to keep eating wings and keep working on staying present and loosening the grip in my chest.

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