On This Day…

I have a love/ hate relationship with the Facebook “Time Hop”/ “On This Day” feature. I have been reminded of dead pets and of ex- boyfriends but lately it has brought up a lot of other feelings and memories I had honestly forgotten about.

About two weeks ago, my anxiety started creeping back into my life… it feels like a dark fog slowly moving though my mind and heart. I have been hesitant to share about my battle with anxiety because it doesn’t make me look cute. Back in the beginning of 2013, I started to blog about my challenge with losing weight, getting off antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication, and the painful changes. My mom said I shouldn’t share that kind of information. I listened to her and felt embarrassed that I opened myself up in that way.

Since my journey to a medication free strategy to handle my anxiety began, I faced a multitude of challenges and a multitude of growth. I was doing it! I was living a life where I was doing life well! I was working towards my dreams and not getting caught up in the things that didn’t matter!

Lately, I started feeling that insecurity, that feeling of a clinched fist inside my chest. I hate it. I have been trying to overcome! With wings! After Skull Fest ended, my man took me to Bantam for wings and mules to relax. I had a blast being surrounded by comedy, but I was ready to unwind.

I was pleasantly surprised by the presentation: sauce. on. the side.what!?!?!IMG_6311  The wings were dry rubbed

and quite tasty even without one of the three sauces to choose from: traditional hot sauce, a tangy BBQ sauce, and ranch. Each sauce was delightful. I have to put moments like this in place so that I can be present.

I was happy to have a moment like this, even in the midst of an anxiety induced time in my life.

Even though I am not happy with how I am right now, I am thankful for the progress I have made. I opened up Facebook’s “On This Day” and what popped up was a reminder of a time, much like now, where creative energy felt like it was pouring out of me but I felt that tightness in my chest and desire to pull a Kate Chopin, “Awakening” style escape. This watercolor I did in high school AP art came up. I forgot about this piece.


I instantly reconnected with this poorly painted depiction of the pain I was feeling. I wanted to float away but my shoelaces kept me tied down. It was weird seeing it after so many years. Most of the art I made in AP 2D Design was trashed, so it truly was out of sight, out of mind.

It makes me sad to think about the 17/18 year old who painted this but it makes me so hopeful. It makes me glad that while my anxiety has come back, I have grown since this and I am going to keep eating wings and keep working on staying present and loosening the grip in my chest.

So Cool, So Different

Earlier this week, I was on Star Bar in Little 5 Points. It’s frankly one of the best rooms in Atlanta, and likely, the country. Beforehand, a comedy buddy and I decided to grab dinner… as 90% of my posts start. He suggested Euclid Avene Yacht Club. I had only been once before for beers but I had heard good things about their wings and was excited to try.

I got medium wings, swimming. If it’s offered in a pool, I’ll take a dip. They were so dang good. Super tangy! They were what exactly what I needed.I need more!                     IMG_6296 I have noticed that every cool/unique/hipster/ whatever neighborhood has a place that the neighbors go to for wings and EAYC is that place for L5P.

I am always hesitant about edgy/cool neighborhood spots because there’s a level of pretension and the wings probably won’t be that good. Crimson Ghost tattoos on the arms of the servers doling out bar food.

I have been talking about this on stage lately but there are so many scenes centered around music and culture that are not receptive to people who are different.

I’m different but I will judge people who are different from my brand of different.

EAYC has that kind of crowd: I like a certain type of music, I have a particular type of vehicle, I dress a certain way, and I make lasting changes to my body for everyone to see.

I am on the fringe of these cultures. I love a bunch of different types of music and culture and have refused to pick just one. I also have trouble with authority, in the way that I respect it.

One time, a buddy of mine (who has cool tattoos, dresses a cool way, does cool things, and listens to the same music as I do) pointed out when we went to see The Adicts that the guys there who didn’t have tattoos weren’t dedicated enough to the music.

Why does punk music or any other genre or neighborhood joint have to have an unspoken code of conduct?

As a teenager, I felt perpetually uncool. I was a well-behaved kid who didn’t look like the music I liked. I also liked music that was “uncool” and somehow that gives people an automatic judgment on if I will receive entry to the “alternative, cool” club.

You don’t look like the rest of us= dumb

You like anything but what I like= dumb

It took me too damn long to say… screw you… I don’t care if you have something shitty to say about Saves The Day. I don’t care if you think I don’t have enough tattoos to be at this show/this part of town.

I got tired of being insecure about what people I thought were “cool” were going to think. It’s a adolescent trait that many of us still hold on to, no matter how much we deny it aloud. Even though, I really don’t like that feeling of being at a bar or a show and getting looks for not looking the part but no one can take away the feeling I get when I am singing along with a band at a show or having delicious wings at a dive joint.


The Long Wait Is Over

It’s been over a month since I have had wings or written about them. Why is it that life can get in the way of the things we love? I loathe the feeling of being spread thin and only meeting obligations. The month of May should have just been called MAYhem… Okay, I got my bad joke out of the way.

It’s odd how June began and my focus has shifted back to things I love: writing, performing, focusing on relationships, and dedication to finding new wings. I am back to my optimistic, hopeful self.

May challenged me in ways I couldn’t imagine: a constant stream of bridal showers, my sister’s college graduation, a bachelorette trip, shows, and family in town.

So much of it went well, so much of it I enjoyed but there were some moments that I had to reflect on and decide if I wanted to keep investing my time, money, energy, and heart into certain people and my experiences with them.

So many times you hold on to an idea of someone for so long, hoping that you both are the person that you both once were. It’s like finding a restaurant with tasty wings and going back over and over then one day it changes ownership and they don’t make their wings the same. The wings go from sauce made with love to sauce from a jar.

Then you start thinking, did these wings always suck but I chose to find the good? Was I dumb to believe these wings would be consistent? I mean, chefs make mistakes or they may have changed an ingredient because it was cost effective.

Maybe once you get wings in your life that knock your sock off, you start to see other wings as sub-par. Then I get to thinking that I am over analyzing these wings…maybe I need to accept these wings as they are but not go out of my way for them. I don’t know, but I have been sad about it, and disappointed.

Wings and relationships are important to me. (Don’t worry, different levels of importance. I do not pick wings over people unless it comes to what’s on my plate.) I hate thinking I have not focused enough on my relationships or I have put energy into ones that are not reciprocating. I hate thinking that I am eating wings that cost too much when there are ones that are delicious and a value.

I have to keep my June intentions in focus: positive relationships, comedy, and wings. That’s how it should be.